More jokes please….
A group of chess enthusiasts were waiting to check into a hotel and were discussing their recent tournament victories in the lobby. After an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to leave.
“But why?” they protested.
“Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A man who specialised in puns thought he had an outstanding chance of winning a pun contest run by his local newspaper. He sent the paper no fewer than ten different entries in the hope that one of them might win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Swedish explorer Leif Erikkson returned from his voyage to the New World only to discover that his name had been removed from his home town register. He was appalled and complained bitterly to the leader of the town council. After investigating the oversight, the council leader apologised, saying he must have taken Leif off his census.
What do you do if you see a spaceman? -
What’s white, light and sugary and swings from trees? -
A debt collector knocked on the door of a house and asked: “Is Jim there?” The woman who answered the door said: “No, Jim has gone for cotton.”
The next day, the debt collector tried again and once more was told that Jim wasn’t in because he had gone for cotton.
So he tried the following day and again was told: “Jim has gone for cotton”.
Then on the forth day, the woman said “Jim died yesterday.”
Thinking he was being tricked, the debt collector went to the local churchyard to find out whether Jim really had died. And there on his tombstone, it read: “JIM, GONE, BUT NOT FOR COTTON”.
Once upon a time there was an old man who lived in a house made entirely of grass.
It had a grass floor, grass walls and a grass roof. The old man never troubled anyone
but he did have a strange phobia -
Then one day the FBI arrived and led the old man away.
“What have I done wrong?” he protested.
“You know the law,” said the agent in charge. “People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones”.
Doctor: “Have your eyes been checked?”
Patient: “No, they’ve always been blue.”
A woman went into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder. She ordered a drink for herself and one for the newt.
“What’s its name?” asked the bartender.
“Tiny,” replied the woman.
“Why tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt”.
Sherlock Holmes turned to Doctor Watson and announced: “The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door.”
“Good grief Holmes,” said Watson. “How on earth did you deduce that?”
“It’s a lemon entry, my dear Holmes”>
What’s a Hindu? -
A clown moved into an apartment block reserved solely for circus performers. He liked
everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable
and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities -
“Why is there no ironing board?” he asked the agent. “The lion tamer and the juggler have both got one.”
“You use the window ledge, like the other clowns.” explained the agent “It’s in your contract. Every clown has a sill for ironing.”
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? Dam.
What’s the best way to throw a birthday party on Mars? You planet.
What’s one way we know the ocean is friendly? It waves.
This sentence contains exactly threee erors.
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!” “Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
C, E-
A sign at a music shop: “Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time traveller in here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who has been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts…
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks. “That’s my house,” says the castaway. “What’s the second hut for?” “That’s my church.” “And the third hut?” “Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
“God, how long is a million years?” To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?” “To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?” “Wait a minute.”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum? They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I needed a password 8 characters long, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. [Nick Helm]
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? [Steven Wright]
A man walks into a chemists and asks: "Can I have a bar of soap please?" The chemist says "Do you want it scented?" And the man says "No, I'll take it with me now" [Ronnie Barker]
I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas, but is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup. [Eric Morcambe]
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what was he doing at the time? {Billy Connolly]
What's Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat [Aisling Bea]
How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth? [Ross Noble]
A man doesn't know what happiness is until he marries, by then it's too late [Frank Skinner]
I remember the last thing my nan said before she died. "What are you doing here with that hammer?" [Lee Mack]
Whoever said nothing is impossible, hasn’t tried nailing jelly to a tree. [John Candy]
You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained…I don't want to see plays about rape, sodomy or drug addiction…I can get all that at home. [Peter Cook]
[Next section from Tommy Cooper]
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-
Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message -
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says,
'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day -
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-
'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
[Misc. contributors]
Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more often than any other dates. It may be that they are "scared to death" by the number four.
The largest insects that lived on earth were giant dragonflies, with a wingspan of more than 3 feet
One species of antelope, the sitatunga, is amphibious and can sleep under water
The long-
An onoimaniac is someone who can't stop shopping
For 3,000 years, until the end of the 19th century, hemp was the world's largest agricultural crop
Around the world, some 57 million people will have died by the end of 2006. In Britain, that figure will be about 580,000
The first dinosaur appeared around 225 million years ago. It was called the staurikosaurus and it survived for about five million years
According to one theory, people who chew a lot of ice have a high sex drive.
COKE
No wonder coke tastes soooo good:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in
the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes,
add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-
FYI:
The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve
a nail in about 4 days.
To carry Coca-
The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks
for about 20 years!
Still Want To Drink Up?????????
CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired. However, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organisation for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).
"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of
a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does
your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's a blank; it won' t accept
anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do
I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-
"Never
mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told
you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then
look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you
see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did
you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's
a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer.
Disorder In Court
Things actually said in courts of law
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral
Q: How old is your son -
A: Thirty-
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do it.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when we stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
* Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked by attorneys during trials and,in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
PHYSICS FINAL
The following is an actual question given on University of Liverpool Physics finals.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues
via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most
of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when
it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
One student, however,
wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume
of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then
the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept
the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year that "it will be a cold
day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept
with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
endothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct...leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being that explains why, last
night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
How deep would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow there?
What is the speed of dark?
What happens if you scare yourself half to death twice?
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary, and those who don't.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi -
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
A jump-
A three-
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Are part-
A bloke goes on holiday to a small seaside resort in the Med. First thing he does is puts on the summer shorts and heads for the beach. Unfortunately he falls asleep in the hot sun, and when he wakes up he's burnt to a crisp.
He painfully makes his way to the village chemist and asks the pharmacist for his strongest remedy for sunburn. The pharmacist says "I can only give you aspirin and antiseptic cream, I don't have anything else in stock". The man says "have you not got anything stronger?" "Sorry sir, I am only a small village chemist. But I can give you this to help you sleep" and he gives the man a packet of tablets. The man says "is it Nytol, will it make me sleepy?
Pharmacist says "no it's Viagra, it'll keep the duvet cover off your legs"
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear
the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps
out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending
fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased,
he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving
the fish to the lions, as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the
lion's cage.
He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps start throwing coconuts at him. Unamused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American
bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs
his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this
point he is not too worried about the death of bees, as he knows what to do by now.
He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like in here?" The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only four parachutes.
The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem your Popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
The following apparently comes from a Catholic elementary school. It could happen... Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)....
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Ferrari's decision
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with
millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session,
not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds
but, within 12 seconds, they had re-
Forest Gump's favorite phrase "Life is like a box of chocolates" has entered the language as a way of explaining that one never knows what the next experience will be. It's no wonder the screenwriter chose food imagery to convey his philosophy.
Food peppers everyday speech to such an extent that it's practically unavoidable. We fish for compliments, beef about injustice, butter up the powers that be, and ham it up to get a laugh.
A pretty woman's a hot tomato, a brainy student's an egghead, a muscled he-
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Waacke. So, he says, "Mrs. Waacke, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Waacke. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
JOKES !!
(Updated November 2022)
