• How deep would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow there?

 

• What is the speed of dark?

 

• What happens if you scare yourself half to death twice?

 

• A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day

 

• There are only 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary, and those who don't.

 

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

 

• The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

 

• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

• Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

 

• Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

• A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

 

• A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

• A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

 

• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

 

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

 

• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• A bloke goes on holiday to a small seaside resort in the Med. First thing he does is puts on the summer shorts and heads for the beach. Unfortunately he falls asleep in the hot sun, and when he wakes up he's burnt to a crisp.

 

He painfully makes his way to the village chemist and asks the pharmacist for his strongest remedy for sunburn. The pharmacist says "I can only give you aspirin and antiseptic cream, I don't have anything else in stock". The man says "have you not got anything stronger?" "Sorry sir, I am only a small village chemist. But I can give you this to help you sleep" and he gives the man a packet of tablets. The man says "is it Nytol, will it make me sleepy?

 

Pharmacist says "no it's Viagra, it'll keep the duvet cover off your legs"

• A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions, as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
 

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps start throwing coconuts at him. Unamused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

 

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees, as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like in here?" The other lion says "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees"

 

• An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only four parachutes.

 

The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

 

The boy replies "No problem your Popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

 

• The following apparently comes from a Catholic elementary school. It could happen... Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)....

 

- In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which animals come on to in pears.
 

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
 

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
 

- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
 

- Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
 

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
 

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
 

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
 

- The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
 

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
 

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sand the Magna Carta.
 

- Jesus was born because Mary had a immaculate contraption.
 

- St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

 

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone.
 

- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
 

- The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
 

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
 

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which in another name for marriage.
 

- Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

• Ferrari's decision
 

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

 

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
 

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

 

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

 

• fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of the plepoe can.

 

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

• Forest Gump's favorite phrase "Life is like a box of chocolates" has entered the language as a way of explaining that one never knows what the next experience will be. It's no wonder the screenwriter chose food imagery to convey his philosophy.

 

Food peppers everyday speech to such an extent that it's practically unavoidable. We fish for compliments, beef about injustice, butter up the powers that be, and ham it up to get a laugh.

 

A pretty woman's a hot tomato, a brainy student's an egghead, a muscled he-man is beefcake, and a coward is just plain chicken. We table discussions, tap sources, cook up new ideas, pull down menus on our computer screens, and offer recipes for success. We toast the bride and groom, roast our fellows at honorific dinners, cajole people who are slow as molasses to wake up and smell the coffee, act cool as a cucumber when we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar, and turn beet red when we are obliged to eat our words. Dollars to donuts you can bet that this week's selection of terms is by no means the whole enchilada.

 

• A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Waacke. So, he says, "Mrs. Waacke, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Waacke. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

 

(More jokes later.........!!)

JOKES !!

 

(Updated June 09)